If C.S. Lewis had titles for each letter, I doubt that mine [Sex In Marriage] would correspond but likely some will disagree but I think the title is appropriate. My courting days are in the distant past but I can remember a few things. Very few young people understand that courtship is the foundation of the marriage and I do confess that I did not understand this principle at all. The illusion for me was that I thought that I could fix anything that was broken. I even fantasied that my love could bring about any healing that was necessary. I grossly over estimated my abilities and had not inkling as to how deep some emotional scars run. We men like to think of ourselves as ancient Knights in shining armor, riding a white horse and coming to the rescue of the poor damsel in distress. We grossly over estimate our abilities and have a very dim view of reality.

In courtship, we put our best foot forward and do what we can to hid any weakness; that is the nature of beast. Falling in love [eros] is a kind of enchantment. Daddy use to refer to it as being “Moonstruck”. In the old days people believed that the moon could cast a spell on people. Eros is similiar to a spell. It is very difficult to reason with a person in eros [love]. They do not think straight. Eros is blazing and blinding. It is so intense that you are consumed by its energy but the law of thermodynamics is going to kick it eventually, the fire will not be as hot, and the blemishes and flaws began appear. We realize that the person we married is not exactly who we though he/she was and they realize the same about us. Actually, this cooling off period is normal because God wants to move us from eros to agape. Before we are willing to take that step, we have to suffer some disappointments with eros. Understand that eros is erotic or romantic love and agape is divine love or unconditional love. We were probably attracted to our spouse by eros but God’s design is to move us higher.

Over a period of time, we learn to enjoy sex but we still do not equate it with agape–only with eros. The male becomes the taker and the female the giver. The female is trying to be unselfish toward her husband but has lingering doubt about his motives. Is he being selfish or unselfish. Over time a deep resentment can build and unfortunately in most marriages, this is never discussed. The end results is that both are disappointed and disillusioned. Women are tempted to use sex to get what they want and men are tempted to have sex to lower their testastorane level. Women thus are motivated by control and men by lust. Neither has the others needs in mine and both are acting selfishly. God’s design cannot be achieved when we act in selfishness.

By now you should see where Satan gets involved and how he destroys our chance at intimacy. The more selfish and distrusting we become, the more intimacy becomes impossible. When married people are motivated by their own selfish interest, sex becomes hollow and empty. That doesn’t mean that it stops, but it is less fulfilling. No one’s real needs are being met. What really disturbs is the unmet needs lead to a divorce in many cases.

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