Letter 26–Sex In Marriage

If C.S. Lewis had titles for each letter, I doubt that mine [Sex In Marriage] would correspond but likely some will disagree but I think the title is appropriate. My courting days are in the distant past but I can remember a few things. Very few young people understand that courtship is the foundation of the marriage and I do confess that I did not understand this principle at all. The illusion for me was that I thought that I could fix anything that was broken. I even fantasied that my love could bring about any healing that was necessary. I grossly over estimated my abilities and had not inkling as to how deep some emotional scars run. We men like to think of ourselves as ancient Knights in shining armor, riding a white horse and coming to the rescue of the poor damsel in distress. We grossly over estimate our abilities and have a very dim view of reality.

In courtship, we put our best foot forward and do what we can to hid any weakness; that is the nature of beast. Falling in love [eros] is a kind of enchantment. Daddy use to refer to it as being “Moonstruck”. In the old days people believed that the moon could cast a spell on people. Eros is similiar to a spell. It is very difficult to reason with a person in eros [love]. They do not think straight. Eros is blazing and blinding. It is so intense that you are consumed by its energy but the law of thermodynamics is going to kick it eventually, the fire will not be as hot, and the blemishes and flaws began appear. We realize that the person we married is not exactly who we though he/she was and they realize the same about us. Actually, this cooling off period is normal because God wants to move us from eros to agape. Before we are willing to take that step, we have to suffer some disappointments with eros. Understand that eros is erotic or romantic love and agape is divine love or unconditional love. We were probably attracted to our spouse by eros but God’s design is to move us higher.

Over a period of time, we learn to enjoy sex but we still do not equate it with agape–only with eros. The male becomes the taker and the female the giver. The female is trying to be unselfish toward her husband but has lingering doubt about his motives. Is he being selfish or unselfish. Over time a deep resentment can build and unfortunately in most marriages, this is never discussed. The end results is that both are disappointed and disillusioned. Women are tempted to use sex to get what they want and men are tempted to have sex to lower their testastorane level. Women thus are motivated by control and men by lust. Neither has the others needs in mine and both are acting selfishly. God’s design cannot be achieved when we act in selfishness.

By now you should see where Satan gets involved and how he destroys our chance at intimacy. The more selfish and distrusting we become, the more intimacy becomes impossible. When married people are motivated by their own selfish interest, sex becomes hollow and empty. That doesn’t mean that it stops, but it is less fulfilling. No one’s real needs are being met. What really disturbs is the unmet needs lead to a divorce in many cases.

Letter 21–Double Punch

All good boxer have a one-two punch. You guard your face to protect from the right cross or the left hook and then he jabbed you in the stomach. Your are looking for the one and are unsuspecting of the other. This is the way Satan works. When he is tempting you with sexual sins, it is all-consuming. You are in such a struggle to resist and that you are unaware that he is hitting you in another area.

While sexual temptation is very common and works a great deal of the time; there is something that has a higher success rate and it has to do with man’s understanding of ownership. Screwtape told Woodworm, “The humans are always putting up claims to ownership which sound equally funny in Heaven or hell and we must keep them doing so.” The earth is the LORD’s and everything on it and in it. Yet we do fling the possessive pronoun “My” around like it all belonged to us…My car, my house, my wife, my children, my church, my country, my time, my job and even my God.

Paul asked a thought provoking question in I Corinthians 4:7– “What do you have that you did not recieve?” I have a friend who is an unbeliever and has an anti-Christ spirit. He doesn’t like for me to talk about Jesus in his presence. One day I ask him the above question. He paused for a few seconds and then said, “Nothing, I guess preacher.” I couldn’t believe it. He got it right–everything is a gift. Your mother gave your birth and God gives you breath. How long would it take for you to lose everything? One heart beat!

It’s not your time, your money, your talent or your body. You may as well lay claim to the moon or the sun. You do not own a single thing. I thing “Human ownership” is the most productive lie in Satan’s repertoire.  Satan will wreck a lot of men with sexual temptation but he is far more productive in the area of ownership and greed. We all know men who would not think of cheating on their wife but they don’t mind robbing God. While they are feeling good about their chastity, the devil is getting a horse laugh because the poor soul, in his pride, is not aware that he has taken the bait is now claiming God’s resources as his own.

Once the devil convinces us that ownership belongs to us, we become selfish in our management and very unkind in our behavior. I can get really bent out of shape if you start taking up my time or asking for my money.

Letter 20–Sensual Temptation

Eve’s temptation had nothing to do with sex which is not a shock to me. She was tempted to become morally autonomous, to make her own decisions about right and wrong. Adam, on the other hand, was not deceived by the serpent but seduced by the woman. Guys you know what that means. He put pleasing his wife before pleasing God. I’ll just take a wild guess and say that his sin was sexually motivated. The devil is not stupid and he knows man’s weakness and of course, he knew Eve’s also.

Guy’s the first thing he is going to do is try to convince you that you may as well give into sexual temptation because he is not going to relent in his tempting. If you don’t give in today, he will be back tomorrow. Actually, that depends on your resolve but you must remember that he lies. Secondly, he is in control of the world system and he is going to continue to bombard us with pictures and images because he knows that we are stimulated by what we see. He is going to use every media outlet available. Thirdly, he knows that he cannot stop marriage but he will work to create as many mis-marriages as possible. Fourth, he goes with the flow. Today, he is using the internet big time to promote porn. I like the internet; it has changed my world but I am afraid that Satan likes it as well but for a different reason.

When Lewis talks about the two women, the terrestrial and the venus, I think he is talking about a real woman [possibly your wife] and an imaginary woman [probably a 10] if you know what I mean. I am not in a position to say that he is either right or wrong. What I do know is that if a man pursues his unrealistic fantasies, he is going to end up disappointed and unhappy. Many a man has brought endless sorry to his life by thinking with something other than his brain. Always remember, sex outside of marriage is not an expression of love. You cannot have sex outside of marriage without it being destructive. There is no exception to this rule. It is what it is!